Pregnant What it Means to Me

Im a 21 years old female who was born and raised in Hawaii. I was the girl in High school that would be sitting in the mall and someones child starts SCREAMING their lungs out and I would and still am "Dear lord! slap the kid and move on I'm getting a headache" or "Doesn't ANYONE discipline their children?" You see its not that I hate kids its that kids are pain in the asses lol. I am the eldest of 8 children and the youngest is 3 although she is a perfect ANGEL my other brothers and sisters have been beyond a handful and I just don't want to damage my kid is all....

I am the Biggest complainer about children, that I know of any ways. And now I want a child....well I'm in love with the idea of having a baby that's of my own flesh. But I have decided that until I'm positive this is what I want I'm staying clear of it. Because although people get pregnant and you always hear "I don't know if I'm ready for a child" and someone always reassures them by saying "Don't worry you will figure it out" or " Once you give birth and see your baby it will all come to you" Yea yea yea whatever I want to be emotionally ready to dedicate my life to someone else..that's not something you just get used to! I want to be prepared and have money saved in case of disasters. Because I have grown up from a poor poor family and its always been this way; broke and struggling....I refuse I just absolutely refuse to bring a child into this world when I cant give them all the things they deserve...I cant promise to send them to a good college or buy them those little Tonka trucks they can literally drive around or buy them those Cedar Jungle gyms or anything...
I know its not all about money but the bills dont pay them selves....

And yet after knowing all of this I still feel a pull on my Ovaries every time I see a stroller or walk past the baby aisle in Times store.

I had an abortion once. I was 15 and I didn't want to but my Grandmother(Legal guardian) told me.. that if I had the baby I was going to have to figure out How to work and take care of the baby because My family wasn't going to help. This is your mistake and you need to Solve it yourself, this is not my problem. So I tried to get a job....but no one would hire me, Workers permit or not. My Boyfriend, He couldn't even take responsibility for the baby, he kept saying " Its not mine!" So I disappeared from his radar and he kept finding me over and over so I decided How am I going to bring a baby into this world? My world? Where I have no job, no money, no help, less and less friends by the hour and a crazy boyfriend that I cant get rid off? I only had till the baby was just about four months to decide....I waited and I waited and job hunted and tried soo hard and I waited until it was almost too late and then I had to decide... so she made the appointment and I went down.

When I got there I had to wait in the waiting room for about 40 minutes and I spent 30 minutes of it starring at the door hoping I would think of something. And 10 minutes watching couples come in and out together and thinking how crummy it was that my scuz ball of a boyfriend wasn't here. Wondering if they were all here for the same reason. When they called me in I was so scared I got this feeling in my stomach like when you have been sitting for too long and you get up and your foot is so numb that its hurting, my grandmother didn't follow. I took one last glance at her and headed inside not saying a word. The Woman guided me into this white room with a VHS player, a Tv, loads of pamphlets on the counter and a few chairs. "You watch this video and open the door when its over" she said and walked away in almost slow motion. It started playing and it was about what they were going to do to me and I thought I would cry but surprisingly I didn't. Then it was over and I opened the door.

They came to get me soon after and took me into this room that looked like I was getting a pap smear, stirrups and all. So I did what they said and got undressed and climb on and They gave me a shot and then and there she was, I cant remember her face because in the 10 minutes they left me waiting there I began looking around at all the tools they were going to use to murder the thing inside of me, the thing that had a heart beat. And I had started crying so the tears masked all their faces. One of the nurses assisted and the other was my support she stood by me holding my hand as I listened Screamed and felt (since the shot didn't work) them Suck a life out of me. It was the worse Couple of hours of my life. When It was over they let me put my clothes but on, still crying. Then they took me to the back room filled with chairs, heating pads, a Fish tank and a large glass window. The view wasn't much well at least from what I remember because I spent another hour crying and crying then eventually staring at the fish tank blankly with no emotion no movement and finally getting my things and leaving. The whole way home I didn't talk to her and for 8 months after we barely had a conversation.

After the abortion I bled HEAVLY and cried a lot for two months, I couldn't even walk down the block ......Usually I have a Happy ending for you guys..sorry for being so morbid! Hope you understand